Bye Bye Romance

I spent my first fifty dollars in Bali on an astrology reading from Paul Sixx.

This is ironic in a million ways. The first of which is that the walking cliché of myself right now is not missed on me.

On the way LAX I looked at the billboards for Eat Pray Love and thought, “Shit, really? Am I really moving to Bali one week, ONE WEEK before Eat Pray Love comes out in cinemas- me a blond yoga teacher named Tara, really?” I secretly began to regret the last minute decision to carry my yoga mat as a carryon.

Somewhere in my consciousness is an 80’s dyed black haired version of myself with smeared mascara laughing hysterically. Or sneering. Or both. Ridiculous.

And the next thing I’m going to say is going to pull the rug out from the previous thing.

I liked the book. The first time I read it. Yes, I read it twice. The first time on a beach in Tulum in 2007 because it was a mindless beach read, the second time (this is worse) two years later because my MOTHER said I hadn’t learned the lessons in it the first time I read it. Even though she herself thought Elizabeth Gilbert was a bit whiney. My friend Jim who lives in Ubud, said there is now an even newer term for the epl people, a fresher thing to call the women knocking about Ubud in the height of tourist season looking for love, Gilberterians.

Black haired self is vomiting in the background.

So as I was eating lunch with my friend Johnny at Desa Seni, the bright blue-eyes subtly eavesdropping on our conversation from the neighboring table belonged to Paul Sixx. Johnny was telling me how his friend raved about his reading with this internationally acclaimed astrologer who was giving a free lecture at Desa Seni that evening.

I looked over at him. Probably in his late 60’s, pure white hair, hunched over his computer.

“Do you have time for one now?” I tossed over to him across the porch. He looked at me intensely. He has a clarity that is palpable, the kind I’ve come to look for in people I’m ready to listen to.

“I certainly do.” He said.

When I sat down next to him and his computer he said, “Do we know each other?”

I thought about my French friend Guilloime in LA who, just having written a book called The Creative Advantage , advised me to say to all new students, “I’ve been waiting for you…”, and then to say, “We’ve known each other for a long time…”. I considered saying to Mr. Sixx, “Oh we’ve known each other for a long time…” but simply said instead, “No.”

Paul Sixx basically summed up my reading in five minutes. Which also apparently surprised him, because he said, “Well what should we do with the rest of our time…”

The five-minute summation was this. I’ve been powerful in many lifetimes, maybe even a Queen, and now my ego (which I should shed as quickly as possible) is shocked that people don’t treat me like a Queen, but my Taurus sun sign being in the 12^th house means that my purpose this life is to wake up and to communicate this to all around me. I should stop my obsession with romantic love and allow myself to go for the big purpose I was brought here for. Communication. Powerful synergy, transformation. “You already know all of this,” he said.

I really didn’t come to Bali looking for love. I swear I’m not a Gilberterian, but when I pressed Paul Sixx a little about love and possibly children he said,

“You’ve already achieved that before in many lifetimes, you’ve followed that path to the end of the road, you know what it is, this time you have to go the whole distance this lifetime you chose something different…”

I know what your thinking. You’re thinking the same thing the four people I told already think, “what the fuck, does Paul Sixx know…”

I know. But here’s the thing. I have thought this very thought for the past six months.

Not the Queen bit, because wasn’t everyone a Queen in their past life? I mean, it’s as if psychics and astrologers tell you that to make up for the fact that you’re not one this life, nor are there any chances of you being one. But it sure feels reassuring to know that you’ve been there done that. I don’t know what they tell actual queens, but everyone I know was Cleopatra in a past life, or Joan of Arc, or Queen Elizabeth.

But I have thought, if I follow the signals of the universe that it is urging me towards a more a much more expansive notion of loving and living than say –“boyfriend. “ And I’ve also thought, because of my previous compulsion to say, have one- that it will probably , to help swat my former Queen ego around a bit towards total dissolution it will demand that I not, have one.

It’s funny, other women’s reactions to your saying that you have to give up the notion of romantic love. I don’t know if it’s true or not true. But it is utterly fascinating how upset on behalf my friends have become.

My friend Jody put it best, “he’s a douche.”

Paul Sixx made point, “it’s not the time for Romantic love. Our world is a mess. The work has to get done. We have to get to work, and move through this shift. Our world is on the brink of financial collapse…” we talked about the quickening, the chaos, the tipping point. And I know what Paul Sixx is getting at with his readings.

I eavesdropped on a reading he had with a different lady the next day, just to see if he was saying the same thing to everyone.

“I see you marrying someone with a lot of money, he’s older, and when he dies you will control his companies….” He said to a woman from Mexico city. “Santa Barbara would be a good place for you,” he told her.

Shit, ever have that feeling you should of taken the other pill…